Kids complicate things. We both have 2, mine are 4&8, hers are 5&15. The young ones are awesome....15, I am struggling with. I cannot get him to get off the dang couch. He wants to do nothing but play video games all day.....like from 7pm Friday night thru 8am Monday he spent less than an hour out of his room and zero time outside. We tripped a few trees in the yard, mowed, cleaned up Yada Yada. ....and he did nothing. I told her he can be lazy, but he can't be lazy here.

Which went over poorly.

I have a gun collection that most men would sell their wives for, I bought a ktm 200 for him to ride, snowmobile. ....nothing will get him outside. He has taken up guitar. ....which made it worse.

I told them if he can't find something productive to do that benefits someone else, that he will be able to count how many #00 bucks there are in a 12 ga by counting the holes in the TV he so loves. This was rather poorly received by mom.

I know I run pretty wide on the prickish side, but I just want the kid to do SOMETHING so I can say, "I'm proud of you"....but it isn't gonna happen.

No more city kids for this guy....

Electronics can be an addiction. Either accept it or clean house.

I could accept it, if he would produce something of value to the household without threats of disaster. Pretty sad when there is a full blown wood, machine and weld shop right out the back door, a spare dslr and every contraption known to man that burns gas around my place and he makes an effort to not have any interest in it.

I would love to send him off to a work camp where he would have to earn his keep.

Way to go Man....tell him how the Cow eats the cabbage.If he lives with you, you own the air he breathes.

I would yank the tv out of his room.

I did,she caved in. I took every inch of wire from him.....cords, cables, power.....everything.

He needs to learn how to be productive, so that when the time comes he is ready. Harsh love. He might not now, but some day he will thank you unless he is just a lazy slob. miles

I'd see if there's a farmer or rancher around that needs some fence built and some calves worked. A summer of that putting a little walking around money in his pocket might bring the kid around. I was about his age when my old man "found" me a job doing that kind of stuff. I'd decided after working the previous two summers I was just going to lay around and bass fish that year. Pop wasn't gonna stand for it and the job wasn't "available" it was mandatory. 14 to 16 hour days during harvest and the fact that being fired or quitting weren't options did a lot to build character.

Good on you for putting your foot down to keep one of this generation from going to the dogs.

My father was in charge of a bunch of stuff having to do with natural gas pipelines and compressor stations. He suggested I go out and find a job somewhere nice, with air conditioning and such. If I couldn't make that happen he could always get me on working in the pipe yard and/or clearing pipeline right of ways.

So, what did the kid have to say when you offered to take him out and have fun? Did he really turn down shooting some of those guns or riding KTM when you asked him if he wanted to go out with you?

Or did you expect a 15yo to get up and do it himself? You may be in for a surprise when your own kids grow up a bit.

Lighten up playing video games and guitar is good for his coordination
If you hate the TV just pop in a replay of the Seahawks goal line stand he'll likely smash it himself.

by threatening his TV with violence, you have opened a can of worms. A word at school about guns and threats, could get you in a heap of trouble.
Frankly, I am glad I am not in your shoes at all. I raised my two kids, from ages 10 months and 6 years, for 14 years as a single dad, just to avoid issues like you are going through.

Wire cutters to every Damn plug in that room, can't cave on that.

Maybe he'll learn to do something when he figures now to fix it himself.

When my boy hit his teen years he thought taking 3 hour showers was acceptable I told him 15 min max, I got tired of talking so I got out the torch and solder and installed a valve on the hot water side of the shower he used.

The boy learned how to tell time within a few showers.

Turn the power off to the house..... If he wants it back on make him work for electricity credits.....

YOUR goals may NOT be his goals. Can't you be proud of a guitar player??? You didn't mention any problems with drugs or violent behavior. Encouragement goes a long way towards creating something between the two of you. I'd say YOU have a problem with commitment. JMHO!!!!!

Electronics ARE an addiction, and are blighting the lives of many a kid, most actually.

Seems like some sort of rationing oughtta be a logical step, as in "x" hours a day. He dont get to live on his electronics, and you accept the fact that he ain't like you and has different interests.

But, if you and his mom ain't gonna be on the same page as this, thats a deal-breaker for the whole relationship.


...and a BIG thing, do NOT let that kid have internet access in the privacy of his room.

JMHO,
Birdwatcher

I had the same issue when I moved in with my now wife. Her youngest was a TV/computer slug. Didn't do anything around the house, wouldn't even put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Really pissed me off. To save the relationship with my wife, I backed off, but made it uncomfortable for him, so when he turned 18, he was out the door.

Don,t walk RUN,

Could be a chance at saving him. Take him fishin? Can you take him to a forest road to start driving? I'd seriously try to force him to do something, but it would be something I could do with him. Then maybe sit with him once in a while and play a video game. Some if the fishing and hunting video games are not horrible. Common ground is what I'm getting at.

Or you could be just screwed. 15 is a long life of being catered to. All depends how much work you're willing to put into it.

All just guessing since I don't know you or him. Good luck.

He needs to get laid.
Today's youths diet causes low testosterone.
When I was that age I was chasing girls. Amazing to see how man don't care.
Its an evolution dead end.

A pubecent male should be aggressive, angry, and have excessive amounts of energy.

I'd get blood work.

Growing up helping around the house was not an option, it was a part of life, period. When my kids were growing up helping around the house was not an option, now with my granddaughter (9 years) helping around the house is not an option.

The boy was obviously taught helping around the house was an option for him, and it is harder to unlearn something than to learn it. Between his Mother and yourself he should be told and directed as to what to is expected of him and consequences of not doing as expected, no, not physical punishment. If you both get on board it can change.

I am thinking the boy and his ways are your way out of something you do not want to be in, and your title tells the tale.

This may be the problem

Wasn't your divorce final a year ago or so?

Already shacking up. With kids. On both sides.

I think you moved a wee fast chief...

far and away your best option

What are the circumstances with his father; dead, divorced, how long ago etc. the kid could be grieving to the point of depression. Everyone deals with things differently.

I am guessing his whole life has been up rooted and everything he has known ripped apart. Put yourself if his shoes, eventually you will find the answer.

As long as he isn't on dope, and cross dressing, there is hope

I also raised two step kids so I know the deal.

You're trying to make the 15 yo the person YOU want him to be, He is who he is.

Limit the electronics, and accept him for who he is. In time he may change, but that will be his own doing.

I'd guess mom may have a pinch of responsibility...
Doesn't sound like she's interested in his health.
No way that the physical and mental health is iuneffected when a growing, devolping young man is staring into a box pretending to be in an imaginary world for multiple hours on end.
Absolutely detrimental and not taken as serious as it is.
If we strapped monkeys into chairs and forced them to watch video games for that many hours it would be classified as cruelty.
But when we allow a child to do it to themselves...a child who doesn't make decisions based in long term benefit...

WTF? Did you not just get divorced within the past year? I'm pretty sure, strike that, I'm POSITIVE I wouldn't be shacking up with some broad and her kids after having a recent divorce.


Get a [bleep] dog.

All kids are different and welcome to the world of teenagers. Take my two boys for example. One loves to ride motorcycles. The other has no interest in motorcycles, but loves to fish. The cycle nut hates fishing. Two kids brought up in the same house completely with different ideas of recreation and fun.

Just because a guy has a safe full of guns and a shop doesn't mean every teenage male would be in heaven with using the stuff.

At 15, you probably wouldn't have wanted somebody forcing you to take guitar and that's probably how he sees your hobbies.

#1. He's not your kid.
#2. You are going to destroy your biological kids if you continue your behavior.

Well, obviously this relationship is going to end in disaster, but just two general points if I may...

It doesn't matter if a kid is a lumber jack or an artist. When you're 15, you have a fugging job. Period.

Seeing that you're the newest guy that is banging his mom, he is going to do 180 degrees of anything you like, or could like. And he more than likely takes pleasure in it fugging up your day.



Travis

When I was that age all I thought about was two things.

1 pussy

2 Food

3 pussy

4 pussy

5 How to get some pussy

6 I need pussy

7 maybe I can buy some pussy

8 why wont the girls give up the pussy

9 one of these days I will get some pussy

10 I finally got some pussy. Life was never the same

Yep. It's quite safe to assume that new guy isn't his favorite person in the world.

Might consider not running "pretty wide on the prickish side" and see how that works.

Catch-22 if "wide prick" is how he landed this situation.

Gotta agree with deflave. Don't think that making you proud is going to be high on his list right off the bat.

Sounds sappy, but you need to love the kid. Unconditional love. If you're thinking of kicking his mom out because of him I'd think it a hard point to argue that you love her, much less him. +1 to Steelhead's get a dog recommendation.

Even if he's as nice of a guy as I am, that kid is still going to hate him.

And the reason you'll never get support from the mother is because he has already told her that he hates the new COCK in her life and he resents her for dragging him so deeply into her bad decisions.

As a result she is going to continue to fold like a cheap suit every time there is a confrontation. She doesn't know how to parent so she's going to do everything she can to win favor from the kid.

And he has that figured out too.

But seriously, that kid needs a fugging job. Like yesterday.



Dr. Dave

I know all about this she will always end up sticking up for the kid, she carried him just try to turn him off in your mind aka fugg him only 3 more years.

Punch him in the throat.

Repeat as needed.

I haven't read the rest of the thread, so forgive me if this has been posted, but its what I call the step-parenting syndrome.


Whatever you want or expect from her kids,whatever decisions are to be made in or about their lives, no matter how large or small...you have absolutely NO say in the matter...

And you never will, regardless of what she tells you.


Trust me on this.

Dynasty! Book it!

WTH! your kids need a stable, solid life and parent... and you're dragging them through another round of disaster and drama they have no control over... all for tail.

seriously?...

Kent

It's exactly what I WOULDN'T do. His divorce was final last July, but the 'Fire is an epicenter for bad choices.

Wars have started over tail.

made me laugh. thanks! got to go to work now.

to the OP, good luck, ked

Yep, this from the guy that was wrong about his team!
And still hasn't owned up to his folly.

I think he has step kids too, so his word should be an anchor for the OP.

Jerking off could have saved lives...

Kent

word.

8 and 4, it boggles my mind...

Where's the commitment, self sacrifice?

Sorry I'm not sympathetic to an adult's needs here.

Kent

Right.

^ this is my opinion. You will Never be able to get between Mom and the boy, and if you do, one of them will resent you for the duration of the marriage.

The boy is 15, and has been raised differently, it would take a miracle for him to take up the stuff you deem valuable or worthwhile at this point.

I'd rather be alone than fight a Her vs Her Kid battle, Never Ever again will I do that.!

People are pretty quick to talk bad about the kids these days. Kids these days are what they've always been. Parents these days are the problem, as clearly demonstrated here. Trying to parent a kid who doesn't know you from Adam, raising your own kids mixed with someone else's and pretending it's all going to be fair... I'm surprised any kids turn out normal anymore.

He is not your son and will never accept you as his father. You have no power in this situation.

yup, people and their 'throw away' marriage lifestyles, then they wonder why marriage number 3 or 4 still doesn't work. It's all about stuff instead of substance. Guns, snowmobiles, etc. me me me me me.... how bout trying to be father figure to this kid instead of bribing him for access to his mother's treasure box?

I didn't hear mention of this family being in a good church, just the worship of material stuff is all I've seen.


not that high country is dick on here, never noticed that

but....I have seemed to noticed that biggest dickheads on here are sucksaps that are on their 3rd failed marriage, are from arizona or are drunks or all the above. just and observation. I just have to laugh at them sometimes, poor things.

Is your avatar your spiritual advisor?

high_country
At 15 you are not going to change the kid his pattern is pretty well set. So it is accept as is, send to a "boot camp" or he can hit the road. I would say have a sit down; just you and the girl friend and have a good talk explaining to her that you want him to be product so you can be proud of him, other wise we will be parting company. So one of the three listed need to take place:as is, boot camp or down the road. But have a quick chat with your attorney to make sure you dot the I's and cross the T's as it varies from state to state
an you don't want to be on the hook for something you can avoid. Good Luck . Cheers northcountry

Here is the deal with raising kids that are not your own: Build rapport with the kid by being a man he'll want to be. Don't be an a-hole. Be good at what you do. He'll follow you up a mountain if you do that.

What do you expect out of a kid who's had a stranger walk into his life, show no commitment to his mother, a person he loves (yea he won't admit it, he's 15, but he does) in spite of her possible bad choices. He sees the current boyfriend as another headache/heartache for his mother and sibling. Adults need to show more commitment...kids will only benefit from it. It is what they want and need. Don't get me wrong, I've seen this go both ways with friends of mine. One did it right, they dated long, had serious conversations about the blending of families, thought long about it and prayed about it. After many months they felt it would work and had a plan to make it work, then they got married and then the bedroom scene. Things are working well, and they got married 8 years ago.

On the subject of electronics and kids having too much. Our limit is an hour a day of any electronics (TV, tablet, etc.) for my kids...consequences follow if that is broken. There's no TV, or gaming units in bed rooms, mine included. All computers and TVs are in living/family rooms. Kids need limits and structure. They need to be pushed outside to enjoy fresh air and the things outdoor activities provide and I try to play with them all I can. We also have them work beside us in the garden, etc. I'm not saying I've got it all figured out just some things I know that work. With that in mind, cut the 15 year old some slack. He probably hasn't had any structure or anyone that truly cares about him and he's not going to warm up to it fast because of all the reason I and others have explained. His actions will change when someone really cares about him.

I've known the boy since birth. His mom and I have been friends for 20ish years. I don't expect him to be a Minnie me, but I have tried everything under the sun to get him to do SOMETHING. I was able to get him to drive the boat once, but he wasn't impressed. He has ZERO desire in driving a car.

His dad is the world's largest loser, on the run from the law due to never paying a penny of support or court imposed penalties for a bunch of driving mistakes.

I have no issues with him playing the guitar, in fact we bought a giant amp for him with the agreement that he would put forth some effort in school and home. He responded by dropping his GPA a bunch.

To be clear, I told his mom that I wanted to waste his tv, not him.

And yes, my divorce was final a year ago after a year and a half of separation.

I cannot find it in me to respect doing not one thing to help another, and watching people work is not my style. I don't ask him to fall trees, but I don't think it's unrealistic to get a couple of hours of work out of him on a weekend vs paying to keep the video games plugged in all day.

Just some random observations. A very wise person once told me: you can't parent a child until you love them. The corollary to that is that 15 year old boys are very, very hard to love. Especially if they aren't your own.

My own son was one of the "screen slugs" that so many kids these days turn into at puberty. My ex was no help, but I did make him work one of the farms as a part time job. Fast forward six years, and he's finishing college while managing one of my farms just about independently, supervises employees, is debt free, and has life by the tail.

What you see in a boy at puberty isn't necessarily what you get in the end.

On the other hand, what the teenager sees in YOUR behavior IS the real deal, and he has a right to draw conclusions about who YOU are based on YOUR behavior. Be the man YOU should be, and everything, and everyone, else may just follow.

The "blended family" is a myth especially if a shack up situation. As regards electronic games/videos, our daughters grew up and turned out just fine. We did not allow those things in our home and our girls knew not to ask for them. Cell phones were enough of a distraction with the constant texting with their friends, our one rule regarding cell phones was not at mealtime.

You are stuck with the 15 yr old's behavior until you change yours. Your step son has been deserted by his biological father and he see'd you as a temporary live in trying to be a father figure but have not earned the right in his mind to do so. In his eye's men have deserted him and you are attempting to change his behavior his mother let develop. His mother will defend him no matter what.

If you care enough you will have to build a common interest to the 15 year old.

Doc

Broken families = broken kids.
Kindness, compassion, and empathy...those are key.

Kids in these situations have had their lives ripped apart, and they've been dragged through a bunch of bad sch!t, and they've had zero control in some awful circumstances that are directly affecting their lives...no say-so, no decision making, and no choice in the matter. They are 'pure' victims in these broken family situations.

Adults can be some remarkably selfish mo-fo's.

Dutch, that's a good one, and a reminder for EVERYBODY with kids, step or bio!

Sycamore

I have wanted to get him on a job for someone outside of the family all year. It sucks to watch as he is a pretty sharp kid in decent shape and super gifted artistically. ...but his motivation is lower than anything I have ever seen. My hopes were that he would buddy up with a few of the neighbors farms kids and wonder how they get to drive such nice rigs to school, hoping to get him interested in harvest work or something.

I can't imagine sitting inside all weekend while the family was out doing yard work.

Hell, mom kicked us out of the house all day Saturday and Sunday. We weren't allowed back in until lunch. After chores were done we could do about whatever we pleased, but it wasn't going to be in the house.

As a parent of a one year old, I often wonder how I will handle these things as the world ain't the same as the one I grew up in.

Good luck HC- And if you need someone to wail on that 200, just give a holler.

Per me regardless of the family dynamics there would be expectations from the boy that would have to be met.
Things from house cleaning/outside chores to eating with the family.
There would be boundaries on things like electronics and bed time as well.
While it is nice to think these things can be explained, shown once, and then ever be the truth is you have to do them with him side by side in a deliberate and if necessary incremental manner without anger but as the same time as irresistible as gravity.
As Calvin said, "be the man you want the boy to be".
You have a job on your hands that requires commitment.
If it is only about tail cut ties and move on.

The work ethic should have been started at age two....picking up toys! Now...it's way too late!

You're pizzing against a 90 mph gale trying to motivate him!

Patience is the key here. You didn't make him this way, but you can make a difference in his life as an example, not as the big boss man throwing his weight around . Give the boy a little time and he'll figure it out, or he won't and he'll move on to his own life.

A good woman is hard to find, and if this one suits you, I'd suggest you suck it up and wait it out. If, on the other hand it's more important for you to be in control of everything, you probably ought to let them go before it gets really ugly. At least that way you may still keep her friendship.

I am perplexed by the boys perspective on consideration of others. His mom asked me a question and I couldn't hear her due to his little speaker blaring in the room. I said I didn't hear her and he was offended that we had to speak over his music in the dining room. It was all I could do to not spaz out. I grew up in a home where I had a uber crappy step dad that was bad enough his own kids took their step dad's name. I have tried to make life fun for him, but the only idea of fun he has is locked up un front of a TV all day.

I would sure like to show him how to use an axe or change a tire maybe not get shocked or mow the lawn....but he will do everything in his power to make it not work until his mom makes fun of him when suddenly he becomes a genius.

I'm with "flav" and "steelhead" an others on this one ...shack up / want-ta-be faimdamlys .....it aint going to go well, time to read some Dr. Laura - all her radio call in's sound just like THIS THREAD!!

Most of us don't see a dog as a stand in for vagina.

You have a much bigger problem than the kid if you and his mom cant get on the same page about the kid. Do yourself a favor, end it now. Seriously, the kid problem can be fixed once you bend a little with your expectations and a little reverse psychology, but the fact remains you and her arent on the same page, and you never will be. No one ive ever met that had parenting issues with their partner made it, the parenting differences were a glimpse of much greater differences in their life that they could never overcome. Mark my word, one day youll be on the outside looking in wondering wtf went wrong. Its a wet hole, many more out there. Move along.

If figured it would meet your standards. Besides, pussy and women should come before kids

Aint that the truth! Heck, the lady and I have problems with how we raise our dogs, and the step-dogs have the worst of it...

Curious how you know that to be the case.



Travis

I spent 17 yrs with a woman. She had her kids, I had mine. 17 years of fighting. She had different rules for my kids. It was ok to spend ten thousand on her 20 something yr old boy, but I caught hell spending a hundred dollars on my teenage son's cowdog. I tried to be fair, but it always bit me in the butt. I finally got smart and ended it. It takes special kind of people to make it work, neither I or her were special. We have be divorced 12 or 13 yrs now, lol I still collect my alimony when I am in her area. Ed

You need to decide what the relationship's worth to you and what you're willing to invest in it.

My wife is a lot younger than I, thus I have two stepsons, 12 and 13 years old. Do they play more computer games than I would like them to? Yes. At least they don't watch television. They come home from school, settle right down and do their homework, every day. They have straight A grades, they play sports in school, they play musical instruments, they are polite, well-spoken young men and we are constantly getting compliments on how good they are. They like to go fishing. They don't have the interest in guns and hunting that I'd like then to have, but so what? My wife and I work TOGETHER on child-rearing. She listens to me, and I listen to her. If all you can do is put this in a winner-loser perspective, you'd better get out now while the getting's good.

"It takes special kind of people to make it work, neither I or her were special. "


How much better off would the World be if more folks realized that!

No TV in his room. No computer in his room.

I usually don't reply to threads like this, but I'm going to make an exception here.

If you and your GF can't agree to be consistent on discipline and house rules, your relationship is not going to work. The kids have already figured out they can divide you and get what they want. You are not partners anymore. She decided that when she sided with her juvenile son about reasonable behavior.

My $0.02

Ed

Ha!!! really ? I can think of one guy here that starts posting in the AM and then continuously every few minutes all day from work and he's not self employed.

They should fire his lazy ass.

Early Saturday mornings, I'd be flipping the breaker for his room to off. Then instead of engaging in an argument about it, grab the GF and ALL of the kids, road trip! Together. Not an option to miss out. Take 'em fishing, camping, shooting, eat s'mores, something that ALL of you can do together. You can't MAKE him enjoy it, but he will participate.

Bob

People keep forgetting on this thread that just because we like this outdoors stuff that the kids are going to like them.

Maybe the kid is going to design video games someday?

It sounds like the OP needs to lighten up, as you obviously haven't accepted her kids, and accepted her either. You're flat out crazy if you think she's going to pick the kid over you.

"If you and your GF can't agree to be consistent on discipline and house rules, your relationship is not going to work. The kids have already figured out they can divide you and get what they want. You are not partners anymore. She decided that when she sided with her juvenile son about reasonable behavior."

This x 100. His mother has the inside track with this boy, and until she and you agree on what is best for him, you are going to get nowhere. The key here is having a discussion with Momma, and coming to an agreement between the two of you as to what is best for Junior. If she is completely content with him sitting on his duff all day playing games, you are stuck. At that point, it is either your sanity, or the door for Momma.

x10

As a general rule, I hate other people's kids.

That said, some of you people are crazy....

This is disgusting...
I am outraged at your filth.






P.S. Dad, is that you?
What's up?

Since I've virtually eliminated video games in this house I do run thru a lot of BB's, bike tires and inner tubes.

In my house we treat video games as a luxury that needs to be earned and ONLY on the weekends after all chores are done.

Good luck.

This is why so many kids are myoptic.
They never focus their eyes at more than room distance.

You need to work with his mother before you try to change this kid. Tell her what your concerns are and see if you can come up with a productive and positive plan of action. You idea of finding him a job is pretty good, might be better if you let him find it. You could assign him some chores in return for an allowance.

Damn, son! Was thinking the same thing. Skeery.

A 15 yo that ain't your own? Must be some gooood poosy!


I did that once during the post-DV period. The kid was out of control and I was not allowed any latitude for correction.

The poozy was awesome. Tight where things should be tight. Plump where things should be large. Just awesome. Still not worth it.
YMMV.

I did this. I went and purchased a breaker lockout to shut it down. I was called hitler. His mom defended his behavior because "he grew up in the city" and likes to be indoors. I am fine with collecting zero vitamin d, but.....he still needs to produce something useful to the home....sweep a floor, pull a weed, wash a car.....anything would be a start.

At almost 16 he has never started an engine by himself.

Kids don't run the show in my house. Especially someone else's kids.

I'll suggest you ot the answer you need on page 1.

kids are not easy in the best of times. With a dual set, doubly hard. Having said that, about 40 years ago i married this woman, still married to her, that had three kids, she was ten years older than me.
I accepted full responsibility for them, in fact told their biological father didn't need to pay child support. They were all a challenge at some point.
By wife and I were always on the same wave length with them, prior to taking any action. Sometimes they flat just didn't like me at all, but i had modest but reasonable expectations of behavior. They were given the option to live with dada, but wanted back at the earliest chance.
One of the best compliments i will have have, was when MY SON told me a few weeks before his death of cancer, that I was always dad to him, not his biological father. Every time he had a problem i was there and listened. I adopted for various reasons his younger sister as an adult in her mid 20's, and God bless her she in temperment is just like me. It will be funny some day for somebody doing research when they look at her birth certificate and it has my name on it. I would have been ten when she was born.
You have to have a united front, has to be reasonable, the kids had a life before you came in the picture, for sure probably resent you at some level.
My son, about a week before his mom and i got married had to tell his biological father to back off, he had called the son upset about the coming marriage. Those kids were not mine by biology but they are still mine. Parenting does not always have anything to do about biology.
the son had the same first name as i did. He had never done any hunting or had any firearms experience no camping and the like. I miss him always, but more so if possible in the fall. He was my hunting buddy. We found shared interests, like motorcycles, and i looked towards what he was interested in, didn't have to match my interests.
His younger sister still gets me pretty regularly. As a kid she had not experienced a lot of different kinds of food. So I started taking her to different kinds of restaurants. Today she is a heck of a cook, but still enjoys me picking up the tab.

You're fighting a losing battle. Kid has grown accustomed to living life his way and his mom is complicit. In 2 years, this individual will be a grown adult, if he doesn't have the gumption to even drive a car at this point, there's nothing you can do that's going to change him.

Flipping the breaker on a kid that has lived his whole life in the city with video games 24/7 will accomplish what.? You think he'll just change overnight, grab a bowsaw and start felling dead limbs.? Not going to happen, only thing something like this will do is make him lash out and make your life a living Hell. If he hasn't learned anything about responsibility by now, a guy dating his mom isn't going to teach him.

You grew up differently than he did and he probably isn't going to change.

Get out now, or you're in for a bunch of years of Misery.

I believe it to be exponential, not arithmetic, Ron.

You need to a have a quiet private conversation with the mom about what is and isn't acceptable in your house. Either the three of them follow them, or they need to hit the road.

A couple of things working against you.

1) It's taken 15 years for him to become a lazy bum, don't expect an instant turnaround.

2) You ain't the daddy, and unless momma starts disciplining him, don't expect him to change.

Put em' all on an airplane and get to Hawaii.
Have the boy find a bad luck tiki idol - problemo solved

Alice was smokin'.

smokin' what?

Was it the maid outfit?

My only expectations are putting forth a reasonable effort in whatever it is he chooses to do. I really just want to see him excel at SOMETHING so I can tell him good job. I do however not accept doing nothing because "I was studying" all weekend to maintain my 1.2 GPA

[quote=ingwe

I haven't read the rest of the thread, so forgive me if this has been posted, but its what I call the step-parenting syndrome.


Whatever you want or expect from her kids,whatever decisions are to be made in or about their lives, no matter how large or small...you have absolutely NO say in the matter...

And you never will, regardless of what she tells you.


Trust me on this. [/quote]

Ingwe gave the best answer in this thread. I've been there and raised a step-son. There were constant battles over discipline, expectations and I had to fight like mad to get his mother off the over protective illness and let him play sports. No matter how long the situation lasts, you are never a real parent to the kid or the mom. Having a wife with grown kids is enough of a hassle but I'd never again live with any kids that weren't my own - and that's not possible so I'm safe.

sounds like a pretty typical 15 y/o to me. its frustrating as hell, i know. my tactic was to make sure they knew what they were responsible for, grass, garbage, school, etc and then let them figure out how to spend their free time as long as it doesn't involve drugs, etc. expecting todays youth to live like we did back in the day, climbing trees, running through the woods, etc, is asking for trouble. most mid-teen kids have no interest in that kind of stuff at all and forcing them and spoiling them with toys YOU like will only frustrate you. BTDT.

The sausage?

Run,,, or bang his mom with the door open. He's f'n with you so you gotta fugg with him worse than he is you.

I would bang her with the door open then leave, call back a week later when you know shes gone and ask him to give her a message that you need a booty call.

^^this^^


and ask her if she has a hot friend that wants to join....

It took 15 1/2 years to make the kid you are dealing with.

It won't change in the next 2 1/2 unless his mommy does it.

I am disgusted you have this mentality.... Didn't even mention hunting or fishing. Sick man you.

I would make the kid a deal. There is too much work around your place for that much TV. He helps you an hour, he gets an hour (1) . hour of TV. If you need help, he is 15 and has a duty to help wether he likes it or not. If this doesn't fly, you as the head of the house have every right to say ,,,,, by by , weather he is your kid or not. In a strange way he might be wanting to be MADE TO HELP OUT! and not an option. He is sure you are trying to buy his friendship. Make him know, you are not trying to be his friend, he is going to keep his stay or he has no rights of TV, computer, phones , no nurturing. If the mom sides with the kid, it's time to explain to the mom you need help and if a 15 yr old is gunna sit in his room while the place goes to heck then it is time for you four to go.. She will see the end to her free ride and that kid will get off his but in a hurry and keep his stay.

If your GF is in agreement with his behavior, I'm having a hard time understanding why you'd want to poison your own children with her influence. It's just pussy, plenty of it around.

It's bizarre how she treats the young kids very differently. They are quite normal, in fact they ask to help and when asked they do it instantly.

thats because they sense the dynamic and are using it to their advantage. kids ain't stupid. its the old "johnnie is so bad but look at me, i'm so good". that and young kids are naturally a lot nicer than 15 year olds.

Get out of there now! Or get them out, if it's your place.

How big is he?

How is she going to handle him when you are not around?

15 year old boys can get into, and cause a lot more trouble then a 5 year old.

Ten year gap, let me guess, her kids don't have the same fathers?

The difference in genetics can have an affect as well.

Seems like it's the generation,my oldest is the same way,drives me nuts.
While it's getting better as he gets older,have to even ask him to play with the dog.

Her puzzy must be really good to put up with that crap. Couldn't find a single no kids 32 year old? You either are hard up or are looking for a mother to take care of you. Are you the MAN in the house?

When you figure out he is not your kid to demand something from or tell how to live his life you might find some peace. When you brought mom and other kids into your house you accepted them as they were and to try and change them just makes you the fool. Her kid her problem and if you can not accept that send them all down the road. If you have 3 out of 4 that are doing well count it as a blessing and move on. Leave the kid alone and to his mother to worry about.. In his eyes you are an [bleep] who is just trying to make his life miserable. Do you really think he wants to be living with you??

good for you ! stick to your guns (and dirtbikes !)

how is he going to destroy his kids? be setting expectations ?

Fixed for you GI!

"itsy bitsy spider"

The 'fire used to be made up primarily of guys that didn't give a rat's ass about other guys' personal problems. Now this one has four long pages of responses.

I still don't give a rat's ass.

I guess you missed Fireball2's "the wife left me thread"??

TFF.

Seems there is lots of advice on here from people that have never been in that situation and don't have a clue.
He is a teen , thus usually means a PIA . A good old fashion ass kicking does wonders during those years, but being a step, makes things real iff'y .the OP and lady friend need to agree on the action and support each other , call it done . Life is too short to deal with a [bleep] headed teen that mommy will side with all the time .

Right - me neither. Most of us have raised kids through the teen years. Big deal.

"Super gifted" how?? In what genre of art? If he is actually gifted, perhaps you can channel him into a productive interest in that field. If not .....

I suggest you keep ALL your guns and ammo tightly locked up.

Good luck.

L.W.

If he kicks his ass the kid wins.

Kid will go to school, and the cops will haul to OP off before noon. Next they will cart off his guns, which he will be lucky to ever see again after he's convicted of domestic violence.

I'm sure your likely right , and that in it's self is a good part of what's went wrong with this country today

Wonder if this guy's parents ever worried about him getting off the computer and doing something outside...

You just HAD to bring that up din't you?

Pot stirrer ...

Wow...identical to the 15 year old camped out playing video games, child of a divorced mother who shacks up with a man who's himself less than a year divorced.
The similarities are eerie.

This is a reasoned response from someone who has and/or knows kids.

+1

That's not a great argument. Think it through.

A) still had his head buried in the computer all day and...

B) I anticipated your stupidity...Google 'making money playing video games'

You make that kind of coin and you don't have to chase puss, like yourself...it'll come to you..

Word.
I love these threads....
They "ask" but never listen.
They already have all the answers I guess.
Good entertainment though.


P.S. You will never see me "ask" anything remotely close to "family matters" on this forum.
Flave's new vagina was as close as it gets.

Asked the kid what he wanted to be when he grew up.

"A cotton pickin' finger lickin' chicken plucker." he said. "Whaddya think about that?"

Well, I figure that's better than being a pimp or maybe a tanker pilot.

Not well said, but correct. He wants his dad telling him what to do, not some interloper screwing his mom like you. It's a stupid fugging kid thing women kicking hubby and daddy out that kids dont unnerstand. Hopefully he wont be doing drugs in the future and expecting yall to cover his azz.

Fixt it.

Who fathered the goofy one?

fixeD it.

I had a step daughter like this, she's still a worthless [bleep], as is her mother who supporter her behavior. My best advice is to get the hell out before she has an birth control "accident" and becomes pregnant.

fixeD it.

So kid will become an active adversary wlith dad over moms affection ?

Today was interesting. Mom was at work, boy comes home and walks past my open shop door. I picked up a very nice vr6 jetta today that needed a few things and he walked in (which has never happened...up to this point I thought he was allergic to anyplace that had used work gloves around). He immediately showed interest so I tossed him the keys and told him to check it out.

He spent nearly an hour out there with me which is dang near a years worth of sunlight on his current schedule. He walked back in the house without saying a word, I assumed that was the end of the event, but 10 minutes later he comes out and wants to tear a guitar apart and paint it. I showed him where all the tools are and just asked him to put them back in about the same drawer that he gets them. He spent the next hour tearing that thing apart and when he was done I busted out a stack of sand paper and he picked the grit he wanted and went after it.

Perhaps it is sinking in.

Some women want their kids to do as they wish to have fun, really.

Didn't you remove all the electronics from his room yesterday??

You know he's not going to read a book, so there is nothing for him to do up there, so now he has to find new ways to occupy himself.

Same reason my kids don't have TV's or game systems in their rooms. If they did I'd never see them.....and they like me!

The other thing this accomplished, is you demonstrated you can effect his life in meaningful ways and mommy was unable (or unwilling) to stop you.

Now that you have his attention, I wouldn't give him anything he doesn't earn. How you and your girlfriend decide how that works in your house is between you and her, but you need to be united.

Did you marry his mom to make him your son or are you wsnting him to do your will as does his shill for a mommy? Shes no better thsn him. She shacks up with you for a roof and a screw and hes supposed to be a kid with virtue? Or, does he have to bend over and pay his way, too?

And some just don't have the mental strength to say no.

Yep, cause they want kiddo to love them for not saying 'No'.

Single no kids 32 year olds are hell for ugly or more screwed up than jack the ripper. There are some in the assylum.

the "op" needs to fix him and his GF ...... close the thread !

Its not the boy you need to change, its her, then yourself (or maybe vice-versa). Then you can worry about the boy!

Phil

Even if the kid comes around, you should at least drill his mother in the ass for supporting this. Follow it up with a ATM experience to let her know where she stands.

We're all ruthless basturds. chuckle

Internet forums probably are not the best place to look for advice on relationships, legal matters and investments.

The same guys giving you the priceless advice are looking for it in a couple weeks. Just sayin,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

It also used to be made up primarily of guys who would have thought it shameful to allow a 15 year old boy to shut himself away indoors when there is a whole world to explore and some work he could/should help out with. I'm surprised at the number of guys here who seem to think it's normal or acceptable for an able bodied young man to fritter away his time sitting on his ass when there are other things to do.

Looks like the 'fire has made computer addicts and allies of 15 year old shut-ins out of many here.

Good luck with your situation, High Country. My sister married her second husband when her daughter and son were fairly young and the son turned out much like your GF's son. Frustrated the hell out of my BIL who, like you, bought all sorts of cool toys for my nephew to play, to little avail. BIL eventually just quit trying, but it was a huge wedge in his and my sister's relationship.

I tried not to comment on this train wreck. I don't think it's normal or acceptable. It's just none of my business.

Or concern.

chit when one of my stepsons was 15 he stole my car one night. i caught him pushing it into the driveway the next morning. he tried to run but i put a steel toe boot in his ass so hard i broke my foot and he couldn't sit down for months. he ended up in TDC shortly after and didn't get out till he was 19. i had hell with all 4 of my stepsons, but i taught them all a trade and get along with them now.

Best quote of the thread so far. Fix your own bullshite! She'll need to fix her own. The hard part is convincing a woman she isn't perfect and needs self repair. Guess what, Hoss? You're gonna have to do the same. No one can fix someone else without their willingness to agree to the change that you're enforcing. Reality is, everyone today seems to think they're turds shine in the bowl with nary a speck out of place and go forward wondering why no one else agrees with them. If you want proof you and your lady friend have had poor marriages and is a wake up call to fix whatever you did wrong on your end before starting another one!

It is a rare woman that takes no crap from anyone, especially from you and her kids while keeping the family's best interest in mind. If you happen to find one, never let her go as she's worth more than any "supermodel" snatch out there. Most of them cave in to their kids so they can maintain their child's affection...funny how those kids will despise her for that very same catering later on.

As far as the kid is concerned, the two of you need to come to a consensus and lay boundaries for every person involved in your Brady bunch experiment and hold each other to it. And if she is not onboard with doing so, sounds like you have other decisions to make outside of his teenage angst. Best to you and yours!

You might have to fight him.

Eyeball (again) really seems to have his finger on the pulse of this one...

Perhaps it is. Or, maybe the old lady had a chat with him.

Ask him to teach you a few chords and you can play in the garage. Hell, get a guitar and refinish it along side him.

This is very bad advise. It may have worked 100 years ago, but not today.

The second HC touches the kid, HC goes to jail, looses his guns, and loosed his kids.

In this scenario EVERYBODY looses, except the step-son who can now brag to every new man in his mothers life that he sent the last boyfriend to jail and ruined his life.

Or maybe he just wants his video games back and figured this is the shorted path.

Gotta agree with this. The kid is not necessarily the problem here. He's been dragged into a shack up situation & he probably resents it, it may not be the first time mom has done this to him. He's probably seen the same setup before and knows how it'll end. The OP's not a step-dad, he's a live in boyfriend & it may not be politically correct but those situations aren't conducive to good parenting. The kids would be better off if mom would grow up and concentrate on raising her kids instead of playing house.

He who owns the roof, makes the rules.

If said rules are unpalatable, non-shareholders are free to find another roof.

That said, OP and Momma need to come to a consensus on rules and expectations for all children.

Then back each other up, no matter what.

This thread is full of fail

Well.....didja toss her yet?

The kid ain't yours. That complicates things. He is half man and half kid at 15 and giving ultimatums at this stage is a recipe for disaster.

Keep working on it, and don't give up. My son is 26 now and went through a "stage" like that. Didn't think I'd ever get him away from computer games, but he grew up and turned out just fine.

Maybe, maybe not.

Video games are the ruination of the last two generations.

Kick her and her worthless brat out. Your kids don't need his influence around them!!!

I REPEAT...YOUR KIDS DON'T NEED HIS INFLUENCE IN THEIR LIVES ONE IOTA. There are millions of other women.

I didn't see a pic of the GF, that might sway some opinions one way or the other

I takes years to develop a bond to the point where you can change/discipline. your expectations are unrealistic. your expectations should be the same as the natural parent's . read some step parenting books.

Sorry I didn't realize we're supposed to be that serious here.

yes

You won't fix anything until you and your GF are on the same page.

Just the salad.....

You knew the job was tough when you took it.

You might turn to one of the TV judge programs or Maury for help.

Here's a novel idea:

Sit down with the kid, face to face, man to man, and tell him all the stuff you told us here. Every 15-year old male wants the man in his life to be proud of him for something. Tell him you are trying to care for him, and you think he has more potential than he is achieving, and that you are willing to give him the responsibility to make something good happen out of a rather rotten situation that has been handed to him.

But right now, he ain't stupid, he's got the situation pegged just about exactly--his mom is desperate for love, your desperate for a warm body, and he's caught in the middle or pushed to the side. If that isn't the reality, then man up and help the kid understand that you are different.

Boys follow leaders, not the guy who happens to be putting a roof over their head.

I thought this was a Christian holy roller site. Here's some guy shacking up with a used and divorced woman.

Interesting turn of events. I saw him walk into the house with a couple of shady looking kids. I gave them a few minutes and snuck in to interrupt the party. It seems somewhere around the time he became pretty much useless he took up this habit of smoking pot. I let the two youts walk away with the understanding that the next time I see them on our place, they are trespassing and will be treated as such.

Momma and I are very much on the same page now, this was a bad decision that he made and will suffer some consequences and life changes, but in the event of a repeat he will have a new home in a boys ranch in Prescott Washington. He tried to hide it for a few minutes until momma popped out a piss cup.....which apparently was truth serum.

We will see how long he stays the course, currently we haven't had to ask him to do anything as he's been pretty self reliant.

You seriously didn't think/know he was smoking pot?

I thought it. I proposed the idea to his mom who didn't want to believe it. I was just waiting for a chance to catch him obviously baked.

She agreed that she had suspected that something had changed and was just hoping it was puberty and girl chasing. I told her that is just a part of it.

He did a good job of talking and listening. Apparently the direction that we gave sank in as he went from a bum to self contained in 5 minutes.

While I have his attention and her support we are going to get some solid labor out of him, but also drag him out for some fun. There is nothing worth staying locked in his room now so keeping him busy and exposed to some new things is the plan.

We're going to catch his counselor today and get some better ideas on activities that he may be able to occupy his time with. He's not much on baseball, but perhaps a track event or something can get him into a few new friends. Time will tell.

Looks like you are dealing more with Greg Brady not Peter.... good luck!

"But right now, he ain't stupid, he's got the situation pegged just about exactly--his mom is desperate for love, your desperate for a warm body, and he's caught in the middle or pushed to the side. If that isn't the reality, then man up and help the kid understand that you are different."

Rong. A warm body is easy to find. HC wants a woman he loves. She wants a home and gives what some call love for it. What young man would be happy with what mom is trading for a roof over his head? IOW, he probably feels his mom is putting out partially for his welfare. Talk about a reason for resentment.

It's not unusual for a 15 y/o boy to smoke pot nowadays. The kids life has been [bleep] up by the adults in his life who were supposed to love and care for him. They acted out of selfishness...they acted based upon 'their' best interest, and 'not' what was in the kids best interest. He had no say-so in the matter. Live-in boyfriends are not dads, they're not even stepdads...they're 'just' live-in boyfriends. It's understandable that the kid is resentful.

Good Job.
Good Plan.

Keep it up.

+ get married so the kid will at least be your stepson. Then when you tell him he can do better and be someone he can be proud of he doesnt have to swallow the bile in his throat and hold his tongue to keep from saying the same to you.

Whats he supposed to tell his buds? Moms worth bording if shes whoring, but she's not good enough marriage material?

Amen !

No commitment means no street cred.

I'd be having the local LE over for a bit of a talk as well.

I find it a rather perverted view of "love" to shack up with a divorced mom then complain about her kid's actions. If HC wants to do it right, he'd pay to move her out, put a ring on her finger, and be celibate until the wedding. The 15-year old ain't stupid--his own mother is trading sex for housing. And he's smart enough to shut up, not bother anyone, and live in his bedroom quietly, until a bully tries to make his life even more miserable by rubbing his nose in it.

That's not how the real world works.

How come we have to make it all about the poon?
Maybe she cooks......


Sheesh.

What a waste of energy, time, emotion and priorities, on someone else's 15 year old... when there's an 8 and 4 year old that deserve it.

Kent

You guys have some interesting theories. She has a decent job with just shy of 10 years there and owns HER home. Far from needing me for a place to crash.

Actually since the 15yo was caught it has been a 180* turn for the best. My kids have life in a great spot...their mom and I get along very well and I have them 50% of the time.

You may want to gain a better understanding of the law regarding this threat.

I think it's interesting how much advice you get from people with no experience with this situation. But it's free advice.

My wife had a son when we got together. Once our relationship reached a point where it was becoming more than casual dating we had some really long conversations about kids, discipline, expectations and rules. It was probably the the most important conversation we had.

I think he's pretty much the person he is going to be. He's been developed into this before you came into the picture. He likely is resentful of you, and doesn't want to be like you. You admit to being a "prick", what inspiration is that? You have to be the best influence you can be but he can only be directed by his Mom & Dad.

The one issue that must be addressed is how is this situation affecting/influencing the younger kids? He is an example to them good or bad, how his actions, decisions, etc. are dealt with will be directly cataloged by the younger siblings. Mom & you need to be on the same page. Exactly the same page, no "caving" and no undermining each other.

Having expectations and consequences isn't a bad thing.

Stable income. Saver not a spender.
That says something about her character and why you are willing to invest in the things that matter the her. Strong male figures are not just important for raising boys. They are also important for their mothers. It sounds like you are not only helping him get things figured out, but her as well.

My wife also came as a package deal. Our oldest is not a Senior in Finance at a very good University, and it looks like he will probably graduate with Honors.

It's not too late, you can have an impact, but it will be less then if you and her got together when he was young.

Good luck. The hard work has just began.

The real world works the way a good man decides to make it work. Actions reveal character.

man that's a damn good post DD

so it'll probably be ignored, but not by me

I've got a 21 year old that needs a serious man o mano session

thanks for those words of wisdom

It would not be good for jr to rub off on his kids and be a bad influence, especially with the great character and positive influence the parents seem to present.

My buddy just went through this stuff. New wife with her own 3 kids. Oldest son was a "vidiot". Never left the room for days. He just couldn't win. Couldn't discipline them in his own house. Bad deal

Raising teenagers is like trying to hold onto a bar of wet soap. If you don't hold on tight enough they slip from your hand. Squeeze too tight and it is even worse. Even the best kids are going to pull away, but they will be back if you raise them right. At 15 you are coming into his life at a very difficult time.

I raised 2 kids, my daughter is now 31, my son 26 and I have 3 grandkids. I also worked with teenagers for over 30 years as a teacher and coach. I've seen just as many of them screwed up by parents who decided to be a hard-ass than those who didn't give a damn. The end result usually ends up the same with either approach.

It is a fine line and I don't know anyone who didn't look back at some point and wish they had done something different. All you can do is love them and do the best you can.

The worst thing you can do is make threats that are so overboard that you can't possibly follow through. NEVER, NEVER threaten a kid with something unrealistic. Or even realistic if you don't follow through. They lose all respect for you.

Just wait until the girls get to their teenage years. You'll wish you only had to deal with a 15 year old boy again. These will seem like the good old days.

I really don't give crap…..but I can see you need advice.
You should sell your shootin' irons ….buy the boy a new 'stang convertible.
Make sure the puss knows you support the boy, and you wish to make them all fuzzy and happy.
Maybe the little chit will give you some of his dope.

Where is the kidd getting money to buy dope? Is mom giving him money? Tough situation to deal with.

I haven't read the rest of the thread, so forgive me if this has been posted, but its what I call the step-parenting syndrome.


Whatever you want or expect from her kids,whatever decisions are to be made in or about their lives, no matter how large or small...you have absolutely NO say in the matter...

And you never will, regardless of what she tells you.


Trust me on this. [/quote]

As Ingwe said, you are a means to an end. Enjoy the cooter and get over it.